CALLING ALL CITIZENS OF THE COLBERT NATION!

Nation, I've made this blog for one purpose, and one purpose only:

My college application needs the Colbert Bump.

Granted, I'm a pretty strong student, a senior at a well-regarded prep school in New Jersey, and an all-around wonderful kid. However, many of the schools I'm applying to are reaches. If I receive the coveted Colbert Bump, the concept of "reach" schools will be a thing of the past. Every school in the nation (and in the Nation) will be begging me to attend. I will become the greatest student in the world and will write eight books at once. Four of those will be bashing the liberal media, three will be flattering and made-up biographies about Sarah Palin, and one of them will be a largely fictionalized memoir about my life as a war hero.

Now Nation, I know what you're thinking. "College? Isn't that just another word for LIBERAL MIND-CONTROL MACHINE?" And the answer is yes. It is. But I need to enter the liberal mind-control machine so that I can throw in it the wrench of patriotism and truthiness.

Nation, HELP ME OUT HERE. I need all the publicity I can get. My ultimate goal is to be mentioned on the Colbert Report.

E-mail: ineedcolbert@live.com