Tuesday, January 13, 2009


Nation, my current hardship calls for the evil of all evils and the downfall of our country: straight-up honesty.

I'm screwed when it comes to this college process, because I made the mistake of being enamored of a school that will definitely not accept me. I got deferred, but the predicted acceptance rate is less than 10% this year. TEN PERCENT of applicants, Nation.

And the frustrating thing is, I should have been able to make myself stand out, and ultimately be in that 10 percent. Unfortunately, I'm a privileged white girl who didn't feel the need to actually start applying myself to schoolwork until my junior year. And when we're talking odds like these, that's just too late.

I am seventeen years old; I don't have many regrets in life. The fact that I consciously chose not to live up to my potential and just thought that I could get by on natural intelligence and sarcasm is probably the biggest regret I have at this point. This whole college application process seems engineered to teach students that they aren't as unique or intelligent or witty as they thought they were. I'm a passionate, well-read, sometimes likable student and I can't go to the school I love, the school where I'd work my ass off to be worthy of going, the best school (in my opinion), because I wasn't as driven at age 14 as I am now.

I understand that there are other factors (recruited athletes, legacies, stuff like that), and that's just how the application process is. But at this point, I can't help but wish that every person who wants to go to a college and could feasibly handle the courseload should be able to go. Of course, that's not practical. It just would be nice if my circumstances weren't so hopeless. Then again, my circumstances are all of my own doing, so I have no reason to complain.

Thanks for dealing with this brief pause, Nation. More fighting the liberal media elite soon.

Monday, October 13, 2008

I'm sorry to have been so neglectful lately. I've been too busy actually doing applications to do the most important part of my application process: questing for the Colbert Bump.

Nation, it's been over a week and still no Bump. I'm thisclose to just saying, "I know when to stop," and throwing in the proverbial towel.

However, I don't know when to stop. My imaginary towel remains firmly unthrown, Now I just need to get mentioned on the Report through sheer force of will.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Today, I was mentioned on Pajiba Love. They understand the true importance of my mission.

Recently I have gotten some questions about this blog. Like "How do you expect this to work?" or "What exactly do you intend to do to get recognized?" or "What the hell are you thinking?"

Nation, you're mistaking me for someone who cares about the HOW of things. I care about the GETTING SHIT DONE of things. Who cares about whatever methodology I'll use to get mentioned on the air, as long as I GET SHIT DONE.

Unfortunately, in this case I cannot GET SHIT DONE on my own. As much as I hate to ask anyone for help, I need to do so for the good of myself. I do not care HOW you do it (in fact it's probably better that you don't give me any details), but I must be mentioned on the Report! The future of my education is in your hands. Like a Wriststrong bracelet, this blog must be forwarded to anyone more important, accomplished, or famous than you are.

Monday, October 6, 2008

QUESTION: How many people hate America?

ANSWER: The amount of people not passing this blog onto everyone they know.

Nation, don't fail a fellow citizen.

Sunday, October 5, 2008


Nation, I've made this blog for one purpose, and one purpose only:

My college application needs the Colbert Bump.

Granted, I'm a pretty strong student, a senior at a well-regarded prep school in New Jersey, and an all-around wonderful kid. However, many of the schools I'm applying to are reaches. If I receive the coveted Colbert Bump, the concept of "reach" schools will be a thing of the past. Every school in the nation (and in the Nation) will be begging me to attend. I will become the greatest student in the world and will write eight books at once. Four of those will be bashing the liberal media, three will be flattering and made-up biographies about Sarah Palin, and one of them will be a largely fictionalized memoir about my life as a war hero.

Now Nation, I know what you're thinking. "College? Isn't that just another word for LIBERAL MIND-CONTROL MACHINE?" And the answer is yes. It is. But I need to enter the liberal mind-control machine so that I can throw in it the wrench of patriotism and truthiness.

Nation, HELP ME OUT HERE. I need all the publicity I can get. My ultimate goal is to be mentioned on the Colbert Report.

E-mail: ineedcolbert@live.com